Since Everyone Else Is Talking About New Year’s Resolutions, I’ll Go Ahead and Talk About Sex

December 31, 2013

I like sex. Who doesn’t? We’re programmed to like sex so that the human race doesn’t die out. On some level, sex is a matter of life and death and our bodies and emotions respond accordingly.

To any of you who have ever felt crazy or been called crazy for something you said or did after sleeping with someone: it’s hard to swim against the stream of thousands upon thousands of years of biology.

My ex and I had some pretty serious problems with sex. It just didn’t work, to the point where I spent years thinking there was something wrong with me, years seeing doctors who had no idea what the problem was, and finally years in physical therapy.

Yes, Virginia, your vagina can go to therapy.

After we broke up, I spent the next five years trying to prove to every guy I liked that sex would work, assuming that, once it did, we could happily go about the business of building a life together. Because five years of conditioning led me to believe sex was the only obstacle to a good relationship and if I proved the sex is great as soon as possible, we were poised for happily-ever-after.

Wow. Yeah, you can go ahead and say it with me: WOW.

I was acting out a belief buried so deeply in my subconscious that I didn’t even know it was there. Unfortunately for me, you know what doesn’t work? Sleeping with people too soon. It sets the space for sex, rather than a relationship. It leaves women vulnerable because most of us attach during sex in a way men don’t. It left me feeling emotionally unsafe with most of the people I was dating.

Every dating book in the world will tell you this, not that I read any of them. Now, I don’t believe that’s always the case. I think you can sleep with someone on a first date and go on to have an amazing relationship because you found your person. But it’s the exception, not the rule.

I haven’t found my exception yet. So it’s time to play by the rules.

But it’s also time to remember that I’m always safe. Safe in my work, safe with my friends, safe with my family, safe with myself. No man can give me safety, but I get to choose the man who wants to help me find it for myself.

{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

Dusti December 31, 2013 at 7:28 pm

Love this. Love you.

Coming from someone who had took six months to lose their virginity thanks to undiagnosed vaginitis, I hear you. Also, sex too early in a relationship is the worst. If I could change anything in my relationship, we would have waited to have sex.

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Tabbypaws January 2, 2014 at 7:01 am

Spot on my sweet Amber! I recently thought I could be all “Sex and the City” and stupidly decided to enter that realm too soon with someone I really heart-achingly liked (a.k.a. “Stone-walling” boy I told you about?). It crashed and burned into a empty shell and I exited out heart-broken and with a diet comprised solely of Ben and Jerry’s and alcohol. It’s so hard to be a woman sometimes. I guess the sleeping together too soon rules apply more often than not. I learned the hard way too.

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